It's been a while since I posted here...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I can really tell that I am getting beyond that "little overweight" stage b/c my family keeps harping on me about how if I don't be careful about my weight I am going to either become diabetic, have high blood pressure, or heart problems...and even go so far as to say when I have kids if I am too overweight they won't be healthy. That isn't what convinced me that I am beyond that "little overweight" stage, though - what convinced me is that whenever I talk to friends about what my family says instead of getting that familiar, "You aren't even that big..." comment I get silent confirmations that they agree with what my family says...sigh!

No...this isn't a pity party. I know I am overweight. I think since I have been at this job I have gained about 40 pounds. Yep, you read that right. One positive thing is that my weight is distributed very proportionately. I guess that's why I was able to get away with a few added pounds for so long. It isn't all in my stomach or my rear - I've got big boobs and they get a lot of it & I do have a bit rear, but it isn't straight out or's just very round. I have always had a small waist, but now I can see that is starting to change, too. I guess as long as my waist was still small I didn't think I was too big. And it's still small in proportion to the rest of me...I still have an hour-glass's just a big hour-glass!!!

Michael has gained weight since I met him - he isn't overweight by any means. He was pretty skinny when we first met and back then played softball all the time. He hasn't played in a while now and he's put on some pounds that he would like to lose. He is trying to make healthier eating choices now and I am grateful for that b/c it helps me as well. I really don't think the foods we eat are the problem so much as the lack of exercise. Michael was very active while he was playing softball and those of you who know me, know that I have worked out & been active all my life, until a couple years ago. I don't know what happened. I don't know if I just got too comfortable or I just gave up on it or what. That's my biggest fear - that I'll honestly just give up and lose the battle all together with not only my weight, but my health. I don't want that. I am not even 30 years old yet...almost, but still not quite there. I used to work out five days a week - sometimes twice a day!!! Now it's like I have hit a brick wall - like I have been running from my weight all these years and since I quit running all the weight I've lost has caught up with me!

These kinds of posts always seem like they are the beginning of a new "me" or something, but even after I write all this out and I know that I need to do something, I still don't change anything. I would hate to think that I had already given up. I pray that isn't what has happened, but I just do not have the motivation and until I find it, I am afraid it's hopeless. The only real change is that at least I am paying close attention to what foods I am eating and trying to make healthier decisions. I guess that's one thing. I don't want to be "Fat 'n Happy" - I want to be Healthy 'n Happy - I just haven't found the drive to do anything serious about it. Am I making excuses? It sounds like it.

So...this sounds like a lot of mindless ramble or something to me now b/c I know that I am not going to wake up in the morning and all of a sudden become Miss Workout Queen again! You hear all these testimonies and success stories of people who have lost so much weight & they tell you that one day they just decided "Today is the day." Well...when's my day?? I know, I have to be the one to make that tell me why I haven't yet? could you know if I don't even know!?!?