Tuesday, September 30, 2003

So, here's how I begin...

Well, I have put off even starting this blog b/c I wanted to have my template put into place first and I had a few tools that I wanted to find to put on here, but then I realize that was just more excuses! I have battled with weight since I was about twelve years old...I have an hourglass shape...big boobs and a big ass and a flat tummy. (Well, over the last couple of years, though I have strong stomach muscles, there is a layer of softness on top of that!!!)

What diets have I done??? Let's see...all through Junior High and High School I was an athlete and tried to watch what I ate, but there was a time when I got stuck taking mini thins (which I couldn't find a link for) to not be hungry. What happened...my weight went down twenty pounds and I ended up passing out! All in all, I still wasn't that big back then. Looking back, I wish I had enjoyed what God gave me as a teenager. Thing was everyone else was a size 2 while I was a size ten...but I had boobs and curves! Why didn't I enjoy that!?!?! B/c it wasn't the norm?

So moving on to college...I still play with different OTC medications (Ephedra) that are coming in and out of fashion. My freshman year I got to my biggest size ever...14-16 and weighed around 175. That summer I came home and went to a diet doctor. I was taking different medications and my mother was giving me shots of B-12 every week. I was working out 5 hours a day and I dropped 30 lbs and man I looked tight! Of course, school started back and I slacked and I got soft again. Didn't really gain all the weight back, though.

Then my sophomore year of college I started vomiting. Yep, I threw up everything I ate...and in three months I went from a size 12-14 to an 8!!! WooHoo! Don't think I didn't go out and buy some itty-bitty skirts and step it out on the dance floor! (Huh...I only have one picture from that time in my life. I should find it and post it!) So, what happened there??? My family had a little "intervention" of sorts and took me to a doctor...a couple of them. Both physical and mental. Mental? C'mon - I wasn't crazy! So, I promised not to do it anymore and eventually I really did stop and guess what! Yep, all the weight came back!

So, I started running and just watching what I ate and for a while things were alright. I maintained a pretty health weight. I am about 5'5" and have an athletic build...but I have a big chest and butt, too! So, it is dispersed alright. I don't look like I weigh in at 185 - that's where I am now. How did I get up to that??? Well, about two years ago I started getting down...emotionally. I went to see a couple doctors and my Gyno put me on some antidepressants. Ladies…if any of you (or men) have been on antidepressants before many of them have a very, very bad side effect - they make you gain weight!!! And weight gain doesn't make you any happier! So, after some time I got off these things and now had new found weight all over my body!!!

So, now we are to the present. I don't work out like I used to at all. (I used to work out five mornings a week and a couple of afternoons and even though I wasn't gaining any weight during that time I wasn't losing it either. I was fit and healthy, but still bigger than I wanted to be.) Now, I only make it into the gym about three mornings a week on average and then I only work out about half an hour at a time. I either do that time in cardio or weights, but never both. Weights are a lot easier for me. I can build muscle and see that change more quickly than weeks of cardio - but muscle weighs more than fat remember…so the scales continue to climb!

The latest diets I have done are Weight Watchers and Atkins. WW didn't do anything for me at all! On Atkins I was very good for the first month or so and during the first two weeks of induction I lost 11 pounds. I was so excited!!!! After that I started a maintenance period where I limited my carbs and I kept the weight off for a while…but slowly and surely is has recently started creeping back up on me. I think I have gained back about 7 of those pounds. I keep trying to start Atkins again, but the first few days, which are the hardest, keep getting me. I start to feel light headed b/c my glucose/sugar level drops during those days (which is what you want b/c you want to go into ketosis). Then it isn't long until I find myself eating something with sugar or other carbs b/c I can't stand that faint feeling.

So, what I am going to do now? Do I think writing a blog is going to miraculously take off the weight?? No, of course not, but I think it will help me do a better job of being more self-disciplined. I think it will be good for me to track everything I eat during a day and the number of calories and carbs that I consume. I think if I limit my calories to around 1,500 and keep my carbs under 20-30 grams a day that I might actually see a difference. I have tried keeping other journals - keeping a notepad with me to track what I ate and using my PDA, even sponsored online journals, but I didn't keep up with any of them. I do a pretty good job of keeping up with my personal blog so I am hoping that is the case with this one, too!

My weight loss has never been about anyone else. I don't want to do this to make anyone else happy. I have a wonderful boyfriend that loves me and tells me that I am not fat, but I feel fat. This is for me. No one else and I believe that is the way that it should be. You shouldn't try to change anything about you for someone else. Oh yeah, the ideal thing would be if I were just "Happy with myself" - how many times have you heard that!?!? I am happy with everything about my life (just about), but I want to lose weight. I want to be able to put on shorts or a bathing suit w/out being so self-conscious about what I look like! I want to buy white pants (I have a pair, but I don’t wear them) instead of just black or jeans!!! I want to wear skirts above my knees w/out worrying about people seeing my thighs!!! I want to be happy with my body - end of story! I am currently not happy with my body!

Well, that's me on my soap box…I hope after reading all that you'll visit and give feedback. Your stories, your support, your criticism, whatever!!! Or just come and read!

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